


Let Me Have Peace

by PieFeathers



Category: Supernatural
Genre: One-Sided Relationship, Other, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 09:25:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4386512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieFeathers/pseuds/PieFeathers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is heartbroken, he want's out. He can't stand to be without Castiel any longer and decides that it's best if he's gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Have Peace

Dean slammed the door shut as he got into his car. He was shaking from a mixture of feelings that were washing over him. Anger, regret, loneliness, sadness…he just wanted it all to end. He thought maybe he could handle it, maybe he could watch as the love of his life was taken by another…Dean had confessed to Castiel how he felt, how Dean assumed Castiel felt too. Dean had weighed the pros and cons, he looked at the evidence provided and he took that leap. Only to have the ground pulled away from him.

Castiel had laughed. It wasn’t a mean, cold laugh…it was more of a surprised, “you must be joking” kind of laugh. But it still cut into Dean just as bad as if Castiel had stabbed him with his angel blade. Castiel had laughed when Dean confessed his love to him. Dean wasn’t sure what he expected, maybe Castiel to kiss him and confirm that he too felt that way. Maybe for them to talk, for once in his life Dean would of loved more than anything to of had a chick flick moment…anything over what actually happened.

What Dean hadn’t expected was Castiel to confess that Sam and him were already in a relationship, something that they had been hiding from Dean for months. The world stopped for Dean…his own brother was with the man he loved. He couldn’t speak for a few minutes, he could hardly breath. It felt that someone was carving out his heart. But Dean did what he did best…he hid his feelings. He put on a fake smile and congratulated Castiel and Sam. 

And he kept pretending, for an entire month. They had been doing a few jobs here and there, most of the time Sam would have Castiel with him. It wasn’t until one of their latest hunts that Dean got a scary thought. He realized it wouldn’t be too hard for him to just lay down his weapons and let whatever creature he was hunting kill him. Dean went back to the bunker that night and cried…it had been a long time since he had thought about ending it. But he had always stuck around for Sam and Cas. He had lived because he had a delusion that Castiel loved him.

That was where he was now, sitting alone in his car trying to keep that delusion that Castiel would still love him. Dean had thought of ways to make the angel care for him, none of them would work he realized whenever he saw Sam and Cas. The look in their eyes…Dean realized that the looks between him and Castiel might have been different. Maybe it was only Dean that had pure love and adoration in his eyes…maybe Castiel just didn’t understand.

Or maybe Castiel did, and he had dragged Dean along. Dean didn’t want to think of that, he didn’t want to think that Cas could be so cruel and do that to him. He slammed his fist against the steering wheel and screamed in frustration. Why did the world hate him? Why was it that he could never have happiness? What had he done to deserve this? A single sentence kept playing over and over in his head…

_“Good things do happen.”_ That was what Castiel had said, the first night they met. Dean shook his head, trying to clear the tears threatening to form. Good things never happen for him. He got out of the Impala and went to the trunk. Opening it he looked around, he didn’t want to use a knife…there would be a chance his brother and Cas may find him and try to save him. He grabbed a small handgun and shut the trunk before getting back into the car.

Dean ran his hands over the dashboard and smiled. “I’m sorry Baby, I’m going to have to get you a little messy…” He said, his voice cracking. This was it. He had left two notes on his bedside table, one had Sam’s name on it…the other was for Castiel. Dean laid back in his seat and took a few deep breaths. Then he put the barrel to his head.

 

Castiel hadn’t seen Dean that night, he was worried for him. He almost hadn’t made it out of the vampire nest earlier that day…Castiel suspected that maybe Dean hadn’t wanted to make it out. He didn’t understand why Dean was so upset. The hunter had tried to hide it so much, but Castiel could still feel the anger and sadness that was swirling within that beautiful soul. The angel stopped when he reached Dean’s room, he saw that there were two letters on his bedside table. One was addressed to Sam, the other to him…He ignored Sam’s and instead began to read his. 

_I know that if I told you ahead of time you would of only tried to stop me. I had to write down how I felt, why I did this. I loved you, but all your love is for Sam. I don’t know why, or what made you not care for me enough and I wish I did. Maybe if I made you love me as you did Sam, maybe things would have been different. I’m going to miss seeing those blue eyes, and the awkward little smile you have. I’m not going to miss all the nights I spent wishing you were in my arms…all the nightmares I had of you leaving and never coming back. I realized that maybe Sam is the best person for you…I don’t have to worry about either one of you being alone now that I’m going to be gone. Do you think I’ll go to heaven this time? Or will I be in hell again? I won’t succumb in hell again, I won’t be reduced to what I had done before you saved me. All the torture I will endure will be nothing to what I feel when I see you and my brother together…_

_I want to have peace, I want to end this. I don’t want you to hate me for what I’m going to do. I want you to protect Sam, and I want Sam to protect and love you just as much as I have. I love you Castiel._

Castiel began to panic, he dropped the letter and ran out finding Sam in the main room. “Sam! I think Dean is going to try and kill himself.” He said rushing past Sam and up the stairs. The youngest Winchester followed close behind and just as the rushed out into the night the sound of a gunshot rang out.   
Time seemed to slow down, Sam screamed right beside Castiel and rushed past him. The angel stared in shock as he came closer to the Impala. The driver’s seat window was covered in blood…he had to look away as Sam opened the door and Dean’s body fell out into his arms. He didn’t want to look, he didn’t want to see Dean like this. Sam was crying, but Castiel still didn’t turn. When Sam looked up Cas was gone, he didn’t care he felt like the world had ended now that his brother had died.

A few minutes later Castiel returned. There were tears running down his face, but he was smiling. Sam looked at him like he was crazy, but Castiel shook his head. “I made arraignments for him in heaven. He will be happy and at peace. I made sure of it.” Castiel said, Sam grabbed a hold of him and began to cry harder. The angel knew what he had done would never make up for causing Dean to kill himself…but he hoped it was a start. He could only blame himself for what had happened, if only he had told Dean the truth that he had loved him at one point…that Sam had only been a second thought…but the world didn’t run on ifs and what he had done he could never change.

 

Dean opened his eyes and felt his breath catch. A pair of blue eyes stared back at him, and he knew he was in heaven.


End file.
